50 Shades of Meh

We, and by we I mean all of humanity, in the most audacious space exploration ever, landed a probe on a comet – a freaking comet!! The journey took 10 years charting a high-stakes, billiard ball trajectory, and represents an absolute marvel of engineering and physics – and I had to click through 3 levels of webpages to read anything about it online. But the entire interweb is abuzz about a certain f@#$-wit faux-celebrity’s “ass”inine picture, and the new 50 Shades of Grey trailer. I refuse to acknowledge the poorly photo-shopped posterior, but I did catch the trailer. And when I say “catch” I mean I went to YouTube and typed in “50 Shades of Grey trailer”, and lo and behold, it came right up …that’s what he said! Sorry, I am in sophomoric-humor frame of mind today!

Of all the comments I have heard about the books and movie, the most confusing one came from a conservative acquaintance who suggested that “…Christian women should recognize this book as porn and stay away from it…“. Ummm, I think reasonable women of all faiths and non-faiths can agree that 50 Shades of Grey is literary porn – I don’t think that kind of deep insight is restricted to the followers of one particular faith. But who cares – what’s more galling is that it’s just badly written porn.**

Also conservatives, Anesthesia and Un-Christian are actually your wet-dream couple!  They are white, in a monogamous relationship that they convert into marriage, and have adequately procreated with two kids. He’s a rich Ayn-Rand-style industrialist even though he dropped out of that liberal bastion Harvard, he’s obviously very pro-coal given that he flies his own helicopter for a date and buys her a gas guzzling sports cars, and he’s growing a publishing empire. She’s a virgin who marries the first man she has sex with and falls apart like a soggy square of toilet paper without his masculine presence. Fox News calls them a key demographic!

As is obvious from the above, like every red-blooded woman on this planet susceptible to marketing and media sensationalism – I’ve read the book…..ok, I’ll cop to it, books – yes I’ve read the freaking trilogy – sue me and my overly-malleable psyche! And there are many aspects of the book I can comment on – overuse of hyperbole, unnecessary breathlessness, improbable situations, bad writing, hormonal reader manipulation, staccato sentences.

tv-addiction-emma-stone-meh-gif

Didn’t stop me from reading them and it won’t stop me from watching the movies … in the D-Box seats!

Anyway, in the trailer the eminently-watchable Jamie Dornan* huskily murmurs to his vapid co-star – “My tastes are very singular” – which has got to be the most euphemistic euphemism for what follows since “wardrobe malfunction”. And it got me thinking about my own singular tastes –

  • I love eating shredded cheese over croutons and drizzled with ranch dressing – the best parts of the salad without the annoying healthy stuff.
  • I can, and frequently have, eaten caramel by the spoonful. Not on ice cream or brownies or apples like a normal person – just gobby spoons of caramel.
  • I like bananas with ghee – that’s clarified butter for the non-Desis!
  • I like ketchup on eggs – any kind, scrambled, fried, omelets, poached.
  • I like ham and cheese sandwiches with Indian pickles

Of course, I’m going with the literal meaning of “singular taste” here because there are also many things in the book I have absolutely no frame of reference for – so I can’t comment on the authenticity of Anesthesia and Un-Christian’s “singular” relationship. The only time I came close to experiencing bondage of an amorous nature was accidentally, when my head got stuck in my t-shirt while simultaneously my arm got stuck in my bra strap, and I couldn’t un-stick myself without dislocating a shoulder. The ensuing hilarity did cause me to lose my breath a bit and may have put a damper on planned activities, but…you know -TENACITY!! Keep calm and carry on – as the Brits say. So I guess “singular” just means adventurous for some couples and for others it’s humiliation born of laziness and inertia – po-TAY-toe, po-TAH-toe!

*I didn’t want to digress but watch Jamie Dornan and Gillian Anderson on a most brilliant TV show called The Fall – it’s on Netflix. She’s a cop and he plays a sexy serial killer. You know – the kind that you wouldn’t mind so much if he kidnapped and tortured you to death!

**So what is well written porn you may ask? Well, Tom Hiddleston reading E.E.Cummings’ poetry is a good start – enjoy and just let your ears melt!

 

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