Oh the places I’ve been

Logging onto Facebook after the start of the semester is usually just an exercise in masochism for me. I have friends who will update their locations with the frequency of race car drivers turning left. And they are almost always someplace waaay better then my current location doing things that are infinitely better than what I’m currently doing. So I get to read that X is at the Radisson Hotel in the Bahamas, or Y is enjoying a gelato in Venice, or Z is snorkeling off the coast of California and posted a status update while underwater….and swimming with blue whales!

So I’m going to come up with a few status updates based on where I’ve been and what I’ve done in the last couple of days of my life. Get ready for some truly exotic locations and life changing activities, here goes:

Samhita is … outside the gym vociferously debating with herself whether going in is what she really really wants to do. Spending the next hour doing burpees (Shit-your-pantsers), mountain climbers (Throw-up-in-your-mouthers), and push ups (Slit-your-wristers) seems like a gigantic waste of her time.

Samhita is …. halfway through her Make-A-Grown-Ass-Woman-Cry conditioning class wondering if there is someway that she may be actually “Un”conditioning because this still hurts like hell!

Samhita is …. at Meijer wondering which bad thing to buy to eat that will totally negate her going to the gym this morning.

Samhita is …. standing in front of her refrigerator wondering what to make for dinner that will be acceptable to everyone in the family and can only come up with cereal….cereal for dinner it is!

Samhita is … in the shower and – oh holy hell!! Have I only been shaving one leg for the last week?! How in the name of all f*%$ did that happen? Did I come up from shaving one leg and the sudden loss of blood to my brain resulted in my forgetting  to do the other one?! It doesn’t seem possible but the evidence is undeniable and – wait for it – hair raising!

Samhita is … in bed and is wondering if and when to get out of it. Since this may be the only decision she makes today that she has any control over, she intends to savor the moment just a little longer.

Samhita is … shocked after learning – via a truly evil device – that currently 40% of her body is fat!! This means that 4 of my 10 fingers are essentially lard! Do you know what you can do with lardy fingers – absolutely nothing of any value whatsoever! Is it possible that the exercising is just making my fat stronger?!

Samhita is … at her wit’s end which sounds like a local bar where perennially cool people hang out, but in reality is a state of mind.

Samhita is … in class and somewhat concerned that this is what her face currently looks like*SamJacksonMeme

Samhita is … confused after this conversation with her 8 year old who was trying to explain Minecraft to her – “..the zombie pigman is a bully, the creeper steals everybody’s homework, the mucus always does his best, the skeleton is a good cook, the ghast is the only girl and likes to cut off people’s heads because she’s lonely…“. This continued for 5 more minutes but I had to stop listening because it was confusing and somewhat disturbing. In the future, when people ask – “how did the parents never guess” – I think I will be able to point to this moment as something I maybe should have paid more attention to.

Samhita is … in the car with the family at 8:16 am, getting ready to leave for a trip we were supposed to start at 7 am. We are still backing out of our driveway when Dave asks – “did you lock the front door?“, Adam says – “I’m thirsty“, and Maya chimes in – “I have a headache“. 1 minute down, 179 more to go – oh happy day!

So eat your hearts out Facebook friends with your fantastic status updates and your adventures in exotic locales and your hobnobbing with famous people – in your face! And I typed all this with only 6 functional fingers – so there’s that too!

*thanks AG for introducing me to this excellent meme!

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