Most of us are never going to win an Oscar or a Grammy or an Emmy. Some of us won’t even win a drawing for a free heart rate monitor from the gym we’ve been going to for the last 3 months even though we hate exercise and only 3 people are in the damn drawing to begin with. I mean, seriously?! 33.33% are long odds?! So, anyway, (deep breath), it’s very unlikely that I will ever need to give an acceptance speech before an adoring public.
But there are some moments in life when incredible things happen and you just want to look around in disbelief and ask anyone – “Did you see that??! That’s never happened to me before! Wasn’t that amazing?!” A moment when your next move has to be to buy a lottery ticket because somehow your luck can conquer mathematical impossibilities. A moment when you feel like you’ve won and the new score is LIFE: 3 bazillion, YOU: 1! A moment when, for a brief shining split second, the universe throws you a small, tiny, infinitesimally teensy-weensy bone and you feel like this:
So though no one will ever hear these, because when these moments occur there are no throngs of cheering people, here are my acceptance speeches for these fleeting transcendental moments.
When you are stuck at the end of a long line at the grocery store on a Saturday morning when the entire world is shopping and the clerk taps you on the shoulder and says “Ma’am, I’m opening up on check out 7, would you like to be first.” And for a brief moment I know exactly what the hungry girl who just got crowned Miss America feels like.
I’d like to thank my kids for taking inordinately long to pick out snacks, I’m sorry I yelled at you to hurry up! I’d like to thank my husband for forgetting to bring milk and eggs and bread when he spent an hour at the store yesterday! And all of you shoppers who got in my way – I apologize for glaring at you, and thank you! If it hadn’t been for all the delays I wouldn’t be first in line here! And to the guy waiting in my old line in front of me and now giving me death stares – I’m so sorry, hang in there, if it can happen to me, it can happen for you too!
Or how about that moment when you make dinner for your family and no one complains! Surely that deserves a speech!
I’d like to thank my friend on Facebook for posting the barbeque pulled chicken recipe that takes only 5 ingredients and a crock pot! I’d like to thank evolution for tasty chicken and genetics for ensuring that both my children like it because lord knows there is no other food in the known universe they can both agree on! Special thanks to the makers of the crock pot that allows me to throw things in haphazardly and still manages to produce a semi-cohesive sauce!
Or when you go on vacation and your flights are all on time, your luggage arrives safely…and at the same destination…and on the same flight, your hotel room does not look like an FBI sting operation gone horribly wrong with windows that overlook the loading dock, and the picture of the pool on the website isn’t “actual size”!
I’d like to thank Travelocity, Kayak, Hotels.com, Airbnb, and all the internet websites that I spent many hours looking through to book the perfect vacation. In fact, if I could add all those hours to my actual vacation – it would be a whole other vacation! I’d like to thank my family for helpful suggestions like “I don’t want to do that“, “I’m not going to go there“, “if you think I’m going to eat that you’re living in la la land“, and the winning “Mother, I don’t think you know us at all“!
Or how about that magical moment when you are in, what has objectively got to be the 7th circle of hell, the department store changing room, where the light is at its most unflattering and the fun house mirrors. And you realize that the jeans you are trying on are not cutting off circulation to your nether regions and are also – holy shitballs – a size smaller than the one you are currently wearing!
I’d like to thank that 2 minute plank that the boot camp instructor made me do that near about killed me. And my husband for hiding all the Twizzlers and chocolate and not caving even when I threatened him with bodily harm. And my kids for bringing home the nasty stomach bug that forced me to worship the porcelain god for 2 hours! I dedicate this 8 lb weight loss over an excruciating 3 months to them all…and to the squats and lunges and wall sits and push ups and burpees and mountain climbers and hip thrusters and other sexily named instruments of torture!
And the list goes on – getting to the last brownie/cookie before the kids, getting the first parking spot in front of the store, having your husband say “you know, you’re actually right..” – ok so that last one’s never actually happened but I’m going to get a speech ready for when it does!