It’s never going to happen

It’s the season of American Ninja Warrior and there is much excitement in the Rhodes household! We watch amazing athletes do the salmon ladder and the double tilt ladder and the unconquerable warped wall, all to win $50,000. And it get’s me thinking….there’s NO way I’d do all this physical activity for a paltry $50,000! How about for $500,000 – well, now you’re talking….but no, not even for that amount of money! It looks like too much effort!

But there’s pretty much nothing I wouldn’t do – or at least try – for a million dollars. And I mean stuff that’s legal…. or at least doesn’t involve causing the death of another human being… or animal – unless it’s a rodent. Ok, this is getting too complicated, let’s start over – I’d pretty much try anything legal – once – for a million dollars.

But here are some notable exceptions:

1) I’m not going to eat disgusting stuff – not going to do it. So you can keep the raw ox balls, or the moldy sea cucumbers, or Madagascar hissing cockroaches – it’s not going to happen. However, I would try fried insects on a stick – those don’t look half bad. And when I was little, I have it on the good authority of my parents that I once ate a spider so – I’m ok with that.

2) I’m not going to bungee jump. In extreme circumstances – drunken bets for instance – I could try sky diving. If my parachute fails to open, which is about the worst thing that I can think of happening, I’ll just try landing on my head to get things over with fast. But imagine if something horrible happens bungee jumping – like a crocodile jumping out of the river I was bungee jumping over and tearing a chunk of my flesh out – I’d just be at the end of this elastic band, snapping back and forth, reliving the horror. I’d be the crocodile equivalent of a flipping pinata!

3) I’m never going to run for political office. I think this blog would be enough to take me out of any running! Also, an open-book kind of life is not a good one for political aspirations.

4) I’m never going to be a reality television “star”. Unless the Real Engineering Faculty of Public Institutions becomes a thing and then I think I’d give it a shot! The fascinating world of course syllabi and grading and faculty meetings and grant writing really begs for the reality show treatment! Think of all the vapid shallowness it would capture – adult human beings spending 2 hours discussing nerdy science, creating graphs in Excel, coding in Matlab…fascinating stuff!

5) I’m not going to do heroine or coke. I have said on many an occasion that when I’m 90 years old, I’d like to try meth – but I’m too scared of needles to try injecting drugs into my eyeballs. Now, I know this isn’t legal but maybe by the time I’m 90 it will be, I’m just proactively NOT going to do heroine or coke.

6) This last one is apparently something that many couples do and more power to them – Saturday Night Live proved that it can be quite a romantic marketing campaign – but I don’t think I could, in a million years, use the facilities in front of my spouse.  I’m just concerned that once you are privy to the waste-removal functionality of your significant other’s nether regions, it would be an unavoidable distraction during your more amorous-type activities!  In fact, even if I’m in the bathroom doing something completely innocent, like say plucking out chin hair, and Dave wanders in – I scream and slam the door shut like I was caught giving myself an enema!

Dave doesn’t think that there are any reality shows out there that require their contestants to attempt #5 or #6 on my list – but hey, every time I think there’s no way people are going to sign up to be dumped naked in the wilderness with just a bandana and bug spray – it happens!! So you never know! As that modern day poet and all-around renaissance man Justin Bieber has said – never say never!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s