Abs of Wrath

Do you remember that scene in “The Last of the Mohicans” under the waterfall when Daniel Day Lewis – all long haired, loin clothed, stony faced, smoldering Native American hotness – grabs Madeleine Stowe – all raven haired, Colonial frocked, ice-goddess, tamped-passion hotness – and says “I will find you! No matter how long it takes! I will“? It’s one of my favorite movie scenes, and together those two looked like the embodiment of a Pantene commercial. And, little known fact, but Dave’s great-great-great-great grandmother was Mohican so I married the last of the Mohicans! But I digress – a style choice you are all familiar with by now!

Anyway, that’s the way I feel about my missing abdominal muscles! I will find them, no matter how long it takes! Leave no muscle behind – I will find them! And release them from their tyrannical lardy prison! So, to that end, I have joined a gym, and am going to this medieval torture class called Group Core. It’s 30 minutes of core building exercises that has a 20-something year old muscled specimen of perfection in coordinated workout clothing bellowing incomprehensible instructions into a headset with techno music blaring loud enough to knock the fillings out of your teeth.

And the class is filled with women who somehow move seamlessly from one core strengthening position into another on command and without hesitation. They also all have uniformly impressive abdominal muscle definition – and can hold a plank position for 10 minutes…..and then there’s me! So yeah, I’m feeling right at home! In the midst of all that smooth flowing core strengthening I seem to be lumbering about like a walrus on a beach! On the flip side, since this is a group endeavor, I’m hoping someone is picking up my slack!

We do the typical exercise moves like crunches and sit ups, and then we do the truly malevolent ones like leg lifts and reverse crunches and push-ups. But then we do some that were probably thought up in a CIA European black rendition site where they invented water boarding – modified planks, where you plank for what seems like a lifetime while pushing a weighted plate around, and inclined burpees that consist of the heinous burpee on an inclined plane. Can I just stop and say that “burpee” is probably the stupidest name for this exercise – they should be called “what-the-f*$%-are-we-trying-to-do-erees“! Or, if you really wanted to name an exercise after your body’s physiological reaction to it, then this particular one should be called “shit-your-pantsies“, or “throw-up-in-your-mouthies“, or, at the very least, “farties“.

Anyway, I blacked out after the first 5 min and when I came to, I was sitting in a puddle of my own sweat and tears and shame! I’m leaving now for my 3rd class this week which counts as a minor miracle. The class starts at 8:55 and by 9:06 I am looking at the clock trying to make time speed up with the sheer force of my will. Hilariously, the time from 9:06 to 9:10 slows down to a crawl – confirming conclusively that…. life’s a bitch and then you die!


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