There’s been many an occasion that I’ve wanted to go back in time to give the younger me advice and reassurance and tough love. Not that I live with a huge surfeit of regret, but there’s just things I wish I had known. So here’s what I imagine that conversation would go like:
Older Me (OM): Hey, how are you doing?
Younger Me (YM): Who are you and why do you have that strange accent?
OM: Well….I’m you, back in time to talk to me..I mean you.
YM: So…..you had the opportunity to go back in time and you chose to talk to…..yourself?!
OM: Yup, absolutely!
YM: Ummm….Carly Simon called – she’s rededicating “You’re so vain” to you..I mean me…oh this is too confusing!
OM: Wow…that sarcasm goes back quite a ways…I had no idea!
YM: You right git*… you build a time machine and don’t go back to kill Hitler!!? Tell me the truth….have we been effing lobotomized in the future?!!!
OM: Settle down!! I can only go back and change things in our own lifetime due to the whole frequency spasming on the flux capacitor**…
YM: The whaty what on the what now?
OM: For f*&$s sake, stop interrupting, you’re not going to understand yet anyway…and so, as I was saying, I decided to take care of the whole Rwanda genocide thing.
YM: What Rwanda genocide thing?
OM: Exactly!!…..And you’re welcome!
YM: So… how are we doing? No wait, don’t tell me, I want to be surprised!
OM: Yeah, no, I’m not going to tell you, I’m just here to reassure you and advise you and give you some tough love.
YM: Oh…. well then, pray please continue, I eagerly await your pearls of wisdom oh exalted one!
OM: For the love of…seriously, ….has anyone told you that you can be a complete ass!
YM: Sorry, sorry….you’re right….you’ve come a long way and are putting on a very impressive accent to help me so… go ahead.
OM: Ok, here it is…you ready….. don’t sweat the small stuff.
YM: [Long pause]…..and…?
YM: That’s it?! You built a time machine – which obviously took a lot of time and probably education, you travel back in time to talk to me and give me advice and….that’s it??! Would you perhaps care to elaborate?
OM: For frick’s sake…you can be so bloody needy! Fine, don’t be in a hurry to grow up, enjoy time with your grandparents, write letters to your friends, when a certain poor graduate student asks you out to a free play – go with him, put some effort into staying active, find a hobby other than running your mouth, don’t wish your baby would grow up and sleep through the night or be potty trained or go to school, when your kids ask to play with you – don’t be busy, listen to your parents, listen to your children, in fact – just talk less and listen more!! Elaborate enough for you!!
YM: ummm…yeah…that was pretty comprehensive. Thanks!
OM: You’re welcome!
YM: Soooo…. what are your plans now?
OM: Now…I just have to go see a guy about this thing before this machine dies on me – it’s not built to last long.
YM: What guy?
OM: Dude’s name is Mohammed bin Laden – he needs to keep an eye on his son.
YM: Never heard of him.
OM: And, inshallah, you never will!
YM: Wait…are we Muslim? The grandparents will have a cow!!***
OM: Nope….even better….we’re scientists!!
OM: Alright…fading fast…bye! Oh, I almost forgot….one last thing…..whatever you do, don’t cut the red wire – remember that – leave the red wire alone!
YM: What!!? What red wire? When??! Son of a bitch!!
*Dave wanted to know what “you right git” meant – so here you go! **This is not a real thing ***The grandparents were Hindu, so probably wouldn’t actually have “had a cow”. Two would have been mildly disappointed I had left their faith regardless of the identity of the one I had joined and two would have been mildly apathetic!
For the Weekly Writing Challenge