Oh the horror

Wanna see a grown woman cry like a mewling pathetic baby? Like that little grotesque creature that was the bit of Voldemort’s soul stuck in Harry – oh for the love of god just read the damn books already!! Well, I can show you – you just have to mention the words “Craft Project” to me – and they don’t even have to be in that order. Any conversation that includes those words, together or in any combination, will be enough to send me into panicky tailspin of epic proportions. I would rather stick my finger in an electrical socket….. while having a root canal….. without anesthesia – then be involved with anything that requires glue, scissors, colorful paper, pipe cleaners, or card stock.

And for some god- awful reason, I seem to get stuck at the crafts table at my kids’ school holiday parties – why, oh why is that!? Recently, at my 7 year old’s Christmas Winter (I’m sorry – party-in-December-that-is-supposed-to-be-a-celebration-of-winter-but-is-really-a-Christmas-party-as-everyone-even-us-pagan-atheists-know!) party, I was asked by the organizing mom – who I hasten to add is awesome – if I could please help the kids make glitter ornaments. As my brain fogged up, and my eyes rolled to the back of my head, a friend – who knows me only too well – quickly stepped in and offered to help me. In sheer relief I did offer her my first-born, but she hastily refused! Two hours later there was enough glitter everywhere that it looked like the aftermath of a week long bender that Tinker Bell and all her friends had gone on….. during Mardi Gras….. in a Vegas showgirl’s dressing room…  – a veritable fairy puke fest!

And now there’s my very own personal hell – Valentine’s day coming up! Oh effing fantastic!! Happy guy-brutally-executed-by-Romans Day!! I’m sure if he knew his martyrdom were being celebrated with hearts, candy, and cherubs he’d be absolutely thrilled!! And both my kids have craft projects that they have to prepare for. Why are public schools becoming a competition for creativity and who can do the most number of craft projects in a day? There are craft projects in science and social studies and math and language arts! My kids have to make dioramas, and glue leaves, and stick pieces of paper with numbers on them, and take Flat Stanley on vacation, and dress up as characters from their favorite book – in short, stuff that require maximum parent participation and of which my nightmares are made up.

Can I just say that if the goal of school is to prepare kids for the real world then – and this is a conservative estimate – the number of times I’ve had to do a craft project for academic credit since I was – oh, 6 years old, add up to ….let me see, take that, and carry that, and yeah – ZERO! Never, in the last 20 years of being in the “real world”, has my adviser/boss/employer etc ever come up to me and said – hey, we’d like you to talk about cardiac protection during hypothermia – oh and can you do it in a diorama with pipe cleaners and glitter glue!!

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