In memorium ….

It’s awards season with the Golden Globes, the Oscars, the SAG awards, the People’s Choice awards, the Look-at-us-self-congratulatory-f*&#wits awards.  That last one is a sort of catch-all award for the others! And much as I am loathe to admit it – award shows are like crack cocaine to me – I can’t seem to stop watching. I like seeing all those beautiful people, wearing beautiful clothes, hobnobbing with all their beautiful counterparts – while I sit on my couch with my leopard print slanket and a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream – it’s the closest I get to being a cultural anthropologist.

And while it’s always exciting to see who wins Best Actor and Best Actress and Best Song, and to judge acceptance speeches, and play that endlessly entertaining drinking game – take a shot if someone says “I really didn’t expect this – I don’t have a speech ready” and then proceeds to talk for an ungodly long time. But if you’re getting the award for Best Sound Editing or Best Short Documentary Film or Best Clapper Board Guy – make it short and snappy! No one cares about how much you love your “team”!

But something that always makes me bizarrely verklempt is the montage of dead celebrities and some-other-random-film-people-who-also-died-but-I-don’t-know-and-therefore-dont-much-care-about! [Note: wow this post has exceeded the hyphenation-quota-for-good-writing by a mile!] They always play some incredibly sad music and it’s quite touching. So this blog is a nod to those shamelessly pandering videos. While you read on imagine, if you will, haunting music from Doctor Zhivago or The Godfather or any movie where Kevin Costner stares pensively into the distance.

In memorium of …. my sanity. This vital part was lost, sadly, during a circular argument with my 7 year old regarding the purported existence of a monster in the house, visible only to said 7 year old. I miss my sanity everyday – it wasn’t the most reliable part of me, but I could count on it in a pinch.

In fond memory of …. my muscle tone. Not that I could ever bounce a quarter off my abs, but in my wildest imagination I never imagined that one day while describing my abs in units of beer (as everyone knows is the correct measure of ab-tasticness), the term “keg” would be used with complete seriousness. It would be nice to return once again to those glory days when turning sideways to get through a tight spot actually worked – unfortunately now turning sideways does nothing to change my width!

In deep sadness over the loss of …. my youth and vitality. There was a time when talking about a “hip joint” meant discussing a cool local watering hole where we went to mingle with other un-jaded, optimistic, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed young people. Now mentioning a “hip joint” virtually guarantees that I am talking about an anatomical part of my body that is aching/stiff/sore or otherwise functioning sub-optimally. Also, there was a time when I drank 5 shots of tequila, 3 Long Island iced teas, danced until 4 am and still managed to get up the next morning, show up to work and put in a mildly productive day.  Nowadays, when I put my kids to bed at 8:30 I find myself sheepishly putting myself to bed too because I’m so tired that my brain can’t put together a coherent thought.

A moment of silence for …. my patience. I don’t know where its gone, when it went, and I couldn’t be bothered to look for it. Somewhere between teaching my daughter to read and toilet training my son, I lost it and have never found it again. It’s probably in the same place as my kids’ right hand gloves, library books, vital lego pieces, and treasured random rocks.

In misty water colored memory of …. my metabolism. At one point it could turn a meal consisting solely of pizza, beer, and chips into much needed brain fuel. Now, it is but a shadow of its former self, unable to convert any food to energy efficiently. So even a leaf of lettuce finds itself being turned into that most useless of all things – ass fat! Also, my GI tract and kidneys do their best work in the middle of the night guaranteeing that I will wake up at 2 am needing to ship product! Yup, I said “ship” – that’s not a typo!

So, a moment of silence to things that have passed with the same ease as a 9mm kidney stone and here’s looking at the next thing that is dangerously close to expiration – my memory! On the bright side, once that goes, I won’t remember losing anything else!



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