Technology has made me stupid

Can I just preface this post by saying that no less than 10 years ago I was able to do all the things below without any problems – and now without my smart phone and all the apps I am essentially a non-functional, incompetent, blithering nincompoop! Take away my iPhone and iPad and you’ve practically physically lobotomized me and reduced me to the first 15 minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey!

I am unable to remember birthdays, phone numbers, names, e-mail or home addresses, and appointments, without audio visual reminders, specifically in the form of text-based reminders from my online calendars. There was a time when I knew at least 25 phone numbers off the top of my head – now I know mine, Dave’s and sometimes, my mother’s.

After 7 years living in one place I still can’t find my way to a new address less than 10 miles away without the help of an automated system that gives me turn-by-turn driving instructions. Once when my phone died and I had no charger in the car I just had to give up, turn around, and come home. Somehow Dave can still say things like “just head west and we should run into Main street“! I realize that I am majorly digressing but – Indians don’t do directions with cardinal points on a compass – tell me left, right, slightly left, slightly right, what the heck is this “head west” thing!! And while I am ranting – what, for all that is good and holy, is a “kitty corner”!!

Without my AnyList grocery list I would probably have 3 packs of cheddar cheese and 7 cartons of eggs in my refrigerator at any moment – and no milk!

My new appliances play classical music to inform me that I have inadvertently left the refrigerator door open or that the oven is now the optimal temperature for the pizza or that the dishwasher has done all it can with my dirty dishes. I think it’s some sort of Beethoven symphony actually. What I really need is a loud obnoxious voice to scream “You left the refrigerator door open, dumbass!!” My appliances are more polite than my family.

Without DVR I don’t know when my favorite shows are or what shows I should watch. The idiot box quite literally has turned me into a better idiot!

Facebook and this blog have allowed me to keep track of major events in my kids’ lives as I don’t scrapbook or quilt with any regularity or success. When my kids grow up I will be giving them a digital hope chest full of my witticisms and sarcastic-isms – they are going to love it!

Times New Roman size 12 is my official handwriting so when I do have to physically write out anything now – other than the signature I came up with when I was 10 – my handwriting looks like I’m in the throes of a massive stroke….or that I’m 7 years old. And let’s not forget spell check – without which I am completely lost – or having to murmur “i before e except after c“!

This is all very troubling! If an electromagnetic pulse were to wipe out all the computers on earth and reduce us to the dystopian post-apocalyptic future as promised in Dark Angel, or more recently, Revolution, I’d be royally screwed! There’s really no use for anyone, in such a future, who knows all the words to songs in “The Sound of Music”, or can quote from Jane Austen, or can sorta knit, or….this list is depressing! Come the worldwide blackout, just let the zombies bite me – save yourselves!


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