Commercials I just don’t understand

Do you know that commercial for Febreze air freshener where people come into a room that’s filled with disgusting stuff and then because of the air freshener they can’t smell anything – how is that good? If there’s something that smells nasty in my house – I’d like to know!! The only time that level of air freshening is good for anything is if you’re a psychopathic serial killer and you’re living in someone’s house and you’re storing dead bodies in the walls!! So really Febreze, your commercial should feature Jeffrey Dahmer look-alikes getting all excited about the endless possibilities for hiding slowly decomposing bodies.

Then there’s every car commercial EVER! Who are all these people having all this fun in cars – families of people! How come their kids aren’t asking them “Are we there yet“, “I’m bored“, “How much longer“, “How long is 2 hours“?! Why aren’t those families squabbling over who gets to charge their electronics on the single cigarette lighter/charger outlet? Also, how are they going skiing and to the beach and to the movies and to malls with equal amounts of excitement and enthusiasm?! Each of those things makes at least one member in our family threaten bodily harm to the other three!! I’d like to know what drugs they are on and who is supplying it to them? Also, if you got a Lexus with a great big red bow on top of it for Christmas/Hannukah/birthday/anniversary/Valentine’s Day/Sweetest  Day/Columbus Day…..sadly for me, we are not in the same socioeconomic class – and our significant others are from very different planets!!

What about the commercial for paper towels with adult women and men happily cleaning up kids’ messes or muddy doggy footprints? Why aren’t they swearing up a shit storm while threatening their progeny with the loss of electronic privileges for the rest of their natural lives? Actually, this goes for every home cleaning product ever – if I Swiffered, vacuumed, dusted, or polished with as much glee as demonstrated by the actors in commercials – you could assume with 99.9% certainty that I’ve been replaced by an alien pod person. [At this moment I’d like to state that while I do not clean the house as often as I should, I have been known on occasion to wipe surfaces when they are dirty! So back off Dave!!]

And don’t get me started on beauty products – those are so far from the realm of reality that Peter Jackson called and asked how they did it. I mean sure you can have flawless skin, voluminous lashes, and bouncy hair – you’d just need a spackling trowel, drywall joint compound, and enough CFC to punch a hole in the ozone layer a mile wide! Also, you’d be unable to walk or carry on a conversation because of the fan you’d have to surgically attach under your hair to keep blowing it up and because your mascara thickness would render you functionally blind!

Then there’s the weight loss products – the exercise machines, the shakes, the bars, the pills, the diets, the cow urine enemas, the amniotic fluid hormones (really!) – each one outdoing itself with sheer number of upbeat people telling you how that product changed their lives. They may be dead inside and their teeth may be rotting out and they may have heart valve problems and they may be clinically depressed and they may look hungry enough to be seriously considering cannibalism – but just look at how skinny they are!

Ok, I’ll grant you that exercise is good for you and those people do, in fact, look healthy and happy and glowing [bastards] – but that is certainly not my reality  – and all I want to do is punch them in their bright, cheerful, glowing faces. I want to see an exercise plan being advertised with a middle-aged, makeup-less, straggly haired, overweight person struggling to do a sit up or angry at having to Zumba and a voice over by James Earl Jones that says – “Yes, it’s absolutely fantastic to love and appreciate the body you are in, and yes, you should definitely be more appreciated for your mind and your ideas and your intelligence than the size of your thighs, and yes, your friends and family love you for the unique snowflake that you are – however, you really need to be healthy for precisely all those reasons and all those people.  Also, unfortunately for you, there are no short cuts to getting healthy, no easy path of least resistance. And do not kid yourself, it’s the hardest thing you will do physically and mentally, and there will be setbacks, and you won’t want to get on that treadmill or back away from the bag of Doritos – but at the end of the day if you can celebrate being able to go on a hike without having a coronary episode, and NOT a number on a scale – it will be a win!!” That is actually an exercise product I might buy.

Dave has informed me that my family has been telling me that last part for some time now, but let’s face it, if there is no celebrity spokesperson and no TV infomercial, it’s obviously not a legitimate exercise plan – everyone knows that!!

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