It’s that time of year when I’ve eaten my body weight in holiday fare, I’m probably going to achieve new heights in gastronomical excess over the new year, and very masochistically I will get on a weighing scale on the 2nd of January. Upon seeing a number heretofore reserved to describe amount of food aid given to global victims of natural disasters, I will weep copious tears – which will paradoxically do nothing to reduce my weight. And then I will proceed to make many promises to change my indolent ways – while consuming enormous amounts of wine and chocolate – which shockingly will aggravate the problem.
But this time I am breaking the vicious cycle and will be setting some
attainable probable possible goals.
Old resolution: Lose weight! New Plan: Slow the rate at which weight is gained!
Old resolution: Be more organized! New Plan: Organize my piles of stuff into some semblance of underlying order!
Old resolution: Clean my closet! New Plan: Mess up David’s side of the closet so that my side is just relatively cleaner!
Old resolution: Yell less at my children! New Plan: Find children new mother – that will probably be easier.
Old resolution: Be more patient with kids and Dave! New Plan: Follow through with threats to wire my kids’ mouth shut. And when arguing with spouse, pick a happy place where I’m on a road trip through Europe with Tom Hiddleston and Henry Cavill. In case you’re wondering – here is what that would look like! So yeah, I think that would work!Old resolution: Be more active! New Plan: Get off my butt to look for the TV remote rather than forcing/bribing children to run up and down stairs to look for it. Also, offer to mow the lawn at least once a month. Ditto for shoveling the walkway – that should cover the whole year, and buy me some spousal goodwill credit – harder to come by than carbon credits for Exxon!
Old resolution: Read good books! New Plan: Limit reading People, InStyle, Glamor, Us Weekly at the doctor’s, dentist’s, or hair dressers.
Also, I want to take time to celebrate the stuff that I DID get accomplished last year – they may not have been what I set out to do, and they may have been unintended but this fits with my goal to be more positive and not sweat the small stuff. So while last year I had a few setbacks – a net gain of 20 pounds and no patio furniture for example – I am looking at those with a different perspective as – giving my family more of me and losing the patio furniture battle to win the kitchen appliance war!
Today my daughter gave the following testimonial – congrats mom, you yelled less this year – but you raised your voice…. A LOT!! I’m counting that in the win column!! Also in the win column – knitted a scarf, did not kill family while on vacation, whitewater rafted, did not file for divorce, convinced spouse to attend three non-mandatory social gatherings – one even without me, got rid of 3 bags of clothes I no longer
fit into wear, sent Christmas cards out on December 24th, sent in money for kids’ school field trips/holiday parties/fund raisers on time – well 80% on time, applied for an NIH grant, reviewed abstracts for two conferences, did not throttle any students! Those are not shabby at all! Bring it on 2014!