New New Year’s Resolutions

It’s that time of year when I’ve eaten my body weight in holiday fare, I’m probably going to achieve new heights in gastronomical excess over the new year, and very masochistically I will get on a weighing scale on the 2nd of January. Upon seeing a number heretofore reserved to describe amount of food aid given to global victims of natural disasters, I will weep copious tears – which will paradoxically do nothing to reduce my weight. And then I will proceed to make many promises to change my indolent ways – while consuming enormous amounts of wine and chocolate – which shockingly will aggravate the problem.

But this time I am breaking the vicious cycle and will be setting some attainable probable possible goals.

Old resolution: Lose weight! New Plan: Slow the rate at which weight is gained!

Old resolution: Be more organized! New Plan: Organize my piles of stuff into some semblance of underlying order!

Old resolution: Clean my closet! New Plan: Mess up David’s side of the closet so that my side is just relatively cleaner!

Old resolution: Yell less at my children! New Plan: Find children new mother – that will probably be easier.

Old resolution: Be more patient with kids and Dave! New Plan: Follow through with threats to wire my kids’ mouth shut. And when arguing with spouse, pick a happy place where I’m on a road trip through Europe with Tom Hiddleston and Henry Cavill. In case you’re wondering – here is what that would look like! So yeah, I think that would work!HiddlestonCavillOld resolution: Be more active! New Plan: Get off my butt to look for the TV remote rather than forcing/bribing children to run up and down stairs to look for it. Also, offer to mow the lawn at least once a month. Ditto for shoveling the walkway – that should cover the whole year, and buy me some spousal goodwill credit – harder to come by than carbon credits for Exxon!

Old resolution: Read good books! New Plan: Limit reading People, InStyle, Glamor, Us Weekly at the doctor’s, dentist’s, or hair dressers.

Also, I want to take time to celebrate the stuff that I DID get accomplished last year – they may not have been what I set out to do, and they may have been unintended but this fits with my goal to be more positive and not sweat the small stuff. So while last year I had a few setbacks – a net gain of 20 pounds and no patio furniture for example – I am looking at those with a different perspective as – giving my family more of me and losing the patio furniture battle to win the kitchen appliance war!

Today my daughter gave the following testimonial – congrats mom, you yelled less this year – but you raised your voice…. A LOT!! I’m counting that in the win column!! Also in the win column – knitted a scarf, did not kill family while on vacation, whitewater rafted, did not file for divorce, convinced spouse to attend three non-mandatory social gatherings – one even without me, got rid of 3 bags of clothes I no longer fit into wear, sent Christmas cards out on December 24th, sent in money for kids’ school field trips/holiday parties/fund raisers on time – well 80% on time, applied for an NIH grant, reviewed abstracts for two conferences, did not throttle any students! Those are not shabby at all! Bring it on 2014!



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s