My kids are geniuses!

I don’t say this very often but my kids are geniuses and here’s why – they routinely break well accepted natural and social laws of the universe. In fact, if we conducted the Schrodinger’s cat experiment at home, when that box was opened the cat would be gone….and my kids would be wearing very guilty expressions! These are just some more examples I’ve managed to document so far:

1) The Euclidean Space-time continuum: hats, gloves, umbrellas, and all items required for school, that they swear were present just the day before, mysteriously  and magically fall through wormholes to never be seen again Рin particular, 20 seconds before the school bus arrives!

2) Entropy and the Second Law of Thermodynamics: hair magically smells worse after a shower – also applies to bodies, breath after brushing, and clothes after being laundered. Things just get smellier with time! Also, rooms dirty themselves, as do bathrooms, closets, playrooms, faces…. the list is long!!

3) Mathematically Non-unique functions: if the bowl has candy/chips/ice cream in it – it’s theirs…. however, empty bowls belong to no one and strangely make their way from inside closed kitchen cabinets to living room sofas.

4) Newton’s Third Law: every action by a sibling has an opposite but grossly and disproportionately amplified reaction – positive feedback is a bitch! So if one hits the other then the wronged party must immediately spit on the first one and then the first one must retaliate immediately with snot flinging – and it just continues to get disgustingly worse!

5) Inverse Square Law of Sound: instructions shouted to their faces routinely get forgotten; however, softly uttered, throwaway remarks about maybe going out to eat, made 500 feet away, will be remembered for all eternity.

6) Einstein’s theory of Relativity: 15 seconds is too long to wait for waffles to be done, but within 15 seconds of a parent having sat down with a well earned cup of tea, you can safely predict that one or both my kids will develop a nose bleed, require medical attention, trip and fall, faint from a lack of nutrition, or accidentally brush up against one another thereby precipitating a global catastrophe.

7) Newton’s Second Law of Motion: all bodies at rest will continue to remain at rest even when yelled at with the force of a small tropical hurricane! The only threat that will move those bodies from their state of extreme inertia is any threat involving loss of electronic privileges!

8) Coulomb’s law of Electrostatics: if two children want to do the same thing then they will collide violently with each other in every way possible – so god forbid that both want to play the Wii – it’s go time!!

9) Law of Conservation of Mass: any Legos, puzzles, or toys that require an advanced engineering degree to remove from a box, can never then be disassembled to fit back into said box….EVER!! Even with numerous missing pieces that have fallen into wormholes – see point 1 above!

10) Boyle’s law: volume of gas emitted from a tiny bottom is directly proportional to its pressure and odor!

11) Law of Social Justice: a finely honed sense of injustice extends only from the top of their heads to the tips of their toes… and no further!

12) Law of Diminishing Returns: any jokes with the words “poop”, “fart”, “boogers”, or “butt” just get funnier the more often you tell them!

At the rate they are going, none of the other laws stand a chance – I’m looking at you chemistry and biology! Actually, it’s kind of scary how the universe thought that, with all the possible genetic mutations and laws of natural selection, the desirable phenotypes my kids would inherit are procrastination, stubbornness, and an inability to follow instructions! Well played Evolution!

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