Come again…. ummm..I mean, excuse me

Warning: This post is a little – how can I put it mildly – colorful – so proceed with caution. Sometimes the most depth I can achieve in my writing is only about a teaspoonful. To my parents – I’d like to apologize – I know you think you have to love everything I write but I’m giving you a pass on this one!!

So many times I find myself saying things and as they come out of my mouth my brain is screaming – “SHUT UP, SHUT UP, THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE“, while another part of my brain is saying – “Oh bloody hell, I hope no one else gets how wrong this is sounding“, and a completely other part of my brain is saying – “what is the matter with you, get your mind out of the gutter already“. Sometimes the voices in my head are all me and the cacophony can be overwhelming!

I teach a graduate class in signal processing and every time I talk about Wiener filters it takes every muscle in my body to keep a straight face and simultaneously not collapse on the floor in hysterical laughter! And this guy Wiener was incredibly prolific – so we have the Wiener-Khinchine theorem, we solve the Wiener-Hopf equations, and – I kid you not – he also postulated a mathematical concept called the “Wiener sausage” – I’m laughing too hard now so just look it up!!

Recently we were at a college football game and any time someone mentioned the “amazing tight ends” I cringed and threw up in my mouth a little! Dave got into a long conversation with some friends about the rules for “illegal touching” in college football vs. the NFL. As a university professor, I believe that pretty much ALL touching in college is frowned upon – especially between student and professor – I believe that ANY touching is illegal in that case!! So the rule to me seems to just be “No touching – at all – ever“!

Yesterday my husband casually said – “you need your oil changed” – right in front of our kids!! And he made it worse by continuing “and your front end is out of alignment and you may need your undercarriage looked at“! Honestly!! We’ve been married a long time but some things are sacred dude! Jesus, how am I supposed to maintain my feminine mystique if my “undercarriage” is a routine part of family conversation!!

But it’s not just in school or at home – try going to a home improvement store – every second sentence sounds like a proposition or a fetish. Here are some things I have overheard as I trail behind Dave in a Lowe’s or Menards (come on – MeNARDS!!), complaining as loudly as either of the kids!

Excuse me, where do you keep the caulk? My drains are leaky and I need some for my cracks.”

The guy is coming to winterize the sprinklers – finally I’m going to get my pipes blown!

Let’s see – I need a long screw and a good drill

I gotta get home and snake my drain

Anyway…. here’s wishing all of you my dear readers a very Happy and non-innuendo filled Thanksgiving. May your turkey be moist, your mashed potatoes creamy, your green beans crisp, your rolls warm, your stuffing flavorful, and your pies delicious in your pie hole!! Oh holy shitballs, that kind of got unintentionally kinky at the end there too didn’t it!! I give up!

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