There are the traditional torture routes – naked baby pictures, adorkable pictures from orthodontic hell, pictures of hideous Halloween costumes, pictures of remarkable facial expressions – the Greatest Hits, if you will. But Dave and I have decided that these classic parental torture instruments are not diabolical enough for us. So we are going a few steps further – after all – there’s got to be some perks to this whole parenting thing!
1. When Adam cooks anything I am going to loudly proclaim that its too hot, too cold, too spicy, and doesn’t taste like anything. Then I’m going to make gagging sounds like I’m a coal miner trying to hock up a loogy from hell! Then I will accuse him of trying to kill me…. slowly….. by feeding me!
2. Everyday I’m going to ask Maya – “is that what you’re wearing to work? No…. its fine…. I guess….. hmmmm”
3. We’re going to brush our teeth to maximize the amount of spittle on their mirrors and leave great big globs of toothpaste in their sinks.
4. We are NEVER EVER putting our clothes away… NEVER…. EVER!
5. We will watch movies in the car and vociferously complain every time they stop to fill gas since it makes our DVD players stop.
6. We will insist on going to the most heinous of restaurants every time they suggest eating out… and we will whine if we don’t get to go out to eat at least three times a week.
7. We will watch the same movies over and over and over again until they can repeat entire sections of dialog verbatim.
8. We will never go anywhere on our own … in case there are monsters.
9. We will insist on being taken to play dates with other octogenarians… on Friday evenings…. or Saturday mornings.
10. We will fart and burp and sneeze all at the same time and then laugh loudly.
11. We will not be flushing any toilets… because they need to fully appreciate that the dinner choices they give us may have some unforeseen and unpleasant consequences.
12. We will leave sticky, crumbly, soggy messes on their counters… balled up paper towels, cracker and cookie crumbs, toast, cereal.
13. We will get up extra early on weekends and put the TV on very loud since we probably won’t be able to hear anyway.
14. We will jump on their sofas …. with our walkers and orthopedic shoes.
15. Every time we take a drink we will use a new clean glass – and we will drink regularly and often.
16. We will need to go to the bathroom five minutes after leaving the house.
And the ultimate revenge….
17. We will move into their homes….to help them better experience the wondrous delights of points 1-16!
I’m sure there are other things we will come up with – but for now this list looks pretty comprehensive. Feel free to amend it to address your own parental revenge fantasies!