American Ninja Warrior makes me a little nauseated

I’m watching the contestants on American Ninja Warrior do incredible things with their bodies and I’m forced to conclude that this world is not only divided into the haves and have-nots – it’s also divided into the whys and the why-nots! And I belong to both groups.

Here are some of the things I firmly come down on the side of the “whys” – subgroup – “for the love of” – sub-subgroup – “are you for real??”

Why do marathon runners run 26.1 miles? I had a brief flirtation with running a couple of years ago – and when I say running, what I really mean is something between moseying and trotting! And I asked my dear friend who runs marathons for a living and is good at it – “when is this runners high supposed to kick in?“. To which she replied – in all earnestness – “somewhere between mile 13 and 15“. Yeah, needless to say, I don’t run much anymore – except my mouth – badabing!!

Why do climbers risk life and limb to stand at the highest point of a mountain range? I look at mountains and marvel at their beauty and majesty – I don’t automatically say “oooh, I wonder what it feels like to trudge uphill for 10 hours, cart my waste around in a plastic baggie so as not to leave any trace of my human presence [which BTW is absolutely the right thing to do], just to stand on top of a tiny rock outcrop and have my photo taken”. You know the one sure way of not leaving any trace of human presence – yeah, don’t go in the first place!

Why do competitive eaters stuff 200 hotdogs into their mouths? Eating is a wonderful thing, chewing, swallowing, savoring each morsel. What is it about dipping hotdogs into water as you allow them to simply slide down your esophagus that makes it so appealing?

Why do the Survivorman, Bear Grylls etc put themselves in situations where they have to drink their own urine? So I’m pretty convinced that if I were to find myself in the Australian outback with nothing but a torch and a knife, I’d be dingo bait in about 20 nanoseconds.

Why do you watch the Bachelorette/ Bachelor/ Honey BooBoo/ Kardashians? I’m a little bit of a reality TV snob – and while I am being incredibly judgmental about your choice of trash TV, I have been known to drop everything for the Real Housewives of [insert name of any city ]! So yes, this list is rather self serving!

Why do people pierce ummm… unusual body parts? It’s a hole….in a part of your body that – how should I say this classily – already has the optimal number of apertures! Increasing the number of apertures around ummm… these parts doesn’t seem to fundamentally improve function – so it seems rather pointless and very painful. That said, I love tattoos and one day I’m going to get one! Thus ensuring that tattoos will be completely uncool in the eyes of my children!

And now, the things that I firmly come down on the side of the “why nots” – subgroup “hell yeah” – sub subgroup “can I get an amen sister”!

Why not eat your body weight in chocolate? I got on the scale yesterday and lets just say that there was a number flashing that I have never seen in my life – not even when I was 9 months pregnant – with a toddler! So maybe I need to rethink this one – but, then again, I don’t want to make any hasty decisions!

Why not watch 12 straight hours of Firefly? Seriously, if you don’t get this then all I have to say is that while I still like you and love that you are reading, the chances that we have a lot in common just got slimmer! As a little insight, if your geeky friend says something like “No power in the verse can stop me”, or “I’m a leaf on the wind”, or “Shiny” – just smile and wave!

Why not read a book over and over again? I have read the entire Harry Potter series about 6 times, that’s right, all 7 books – 6 times each – and I’m not ashamed to admit it! In fact, some of the books like Deathly Hollows, Prisoner of Azkaban, I’ve even read more than 6 times each. Before I discovered Harry Potter my go-to book was Pride and Prejudice – and before that there was the absolutely sublime Daddy-Long-Legs. I can read these books over and over again and it’s like meeting old friends…. at your favorite hangout…. while eating your favorite junk food….. and drinking your favorite wine….. in the rain!

So Dave has to gets to read all my posts before I publish them – I know, I know – poor sod lucky bastard! And his only comment, other than my continual resistance to using apostrophes, was – “I guess our whys and why nots are the complete opposite of one another”!


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