When to alert the authorities

So if you ever hear me say any of the following – alert the authorities because its a sure sign that I have been replaced by an alien pod person. Unless, of course, the new alien pod me is significantly skinnier/funnier/smarter/hotter than the boring old earthling me! Then, just remember to take lots of photos before coming to rescue me! But hey – come rescue me!! Promise?!! You are worrying me!!

1)”I definitely want to exercise today” – note that I’m not saying need to exercise, it’s want to exercise – important distinction!

2) “No thanks, go ahead and take that last brownie” – this would also work with slice of pizza, french fry, cookie, peanut – you get the picture

3) “Cooking really relaxes me” – you could substitute baking, cleaning, window washing, laundry, yard work, or organizing, and still be justified in calling for help. I think a root canal procedure would be more relaxing!

4) “I really have nothing to say right now” – seriously, I don’t think this even requires an explanation!

5) “Yes, I do think having another child would be awesome” – at this point in the conversation, hit me on the head with a blunt object, and let me wake up in a bath tub of ice with a cell phone and my fallopian tubes tied! Yes, I am requesting that you forcibly sterilize me!

6) “I am really good at multitasking” – said no person I know ever – when you’re multitasking you’re just choosing to do more than one thing – badly!!

7) “That Michelle Bachmann makes some good points“- I mean I think all reasonable people can agree that she is bat-shit crazy!!

8) “I think I have too many shoes” – In the last 20 years I have gained and lost approximately 100 pounds (more gained than lost unfortunately), but my shoe size has not changed! So while clothes shopping can be a nerve wracking, guilt inducing, assault – shopping for shoes is just retail therapy. Also, much of my supposed obsession with shoes has, in large part, been fueled by my husband who basically needs one brown pair, one black pair, sandals, and tennis shoes! I’m sorry, that’s just insane! So on a scale of Dave to Imelda Marcos – I don’t think I have to join a 12-step program as yet!

9) “Ooh, a 10 mile hike in the mountains?! Count me in!!” – actually if I ever get excited about physical labor at any point just take me to your leader because the alien wearing my body has won!

10) “I’m sorry for being so soft! Can you hear me or would you like me to speak up?” – because I am about as soft-spoken, genteel, and lady-like as the love child of Attila the Hun and Genghis Khan – and yes I do understand rudimentary human reproduction – I was speaking more of a metaphorical love child!



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